Birthday

Though I may be leaving,
Far, far away,
I won’t forget you

Though the days may pass,
And the hours may fade,
I will not forget you

Though you may not know it now,
You have saved me, mind body and soul,
And I shall not forget you

So here I am,
In these seconds and these minutes,
Of this hour of the day,

Just for you,
I am here at this special moment,
The wish you a happy birthday.

Despair

Despair is the worst,
You are sinking into the sludging mud,
Struggling to catch your breath,
Trying to force your way to the surface
But you can't go anywhere but down

You stop going anywhere,
You stop thinking,
All you can do is think terrible things,
The world seems like an awful, cruel place,
And taking each breath, filling your lungs, hurts

You wonder why people stop trying?
It's because they feel like they have nothing to try for.
It's beacuse they are giving up
Never give up
Even if all thats left is hurt

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep tonight,
Because in my head,
It's finally all laid out,
And I can't sleep,
Knowing what I have to plan for

Outfit,
Hair,
Walking pattern,
Waking up,
Classes,
People,
Lunch,
Pick up,
Everything

In my head, it's all so finalized,
There is no more convincing,
There are no more decisions,
I am leaving
And all I ask for,
Is not to be forgotten

Tonight, I cannot sleep,
Because even after I have planned every little moment,
I can't plan to be remembered,
And that scares me more than anything

Irony

We are all alone in this world,
No one listens,
No one cares,
Don't feel special 'cause you think you're the only one,
Who feels like this
And here's the ironic truth,
We could all understand eachother perfectly,
If someone just cared enough to listen,
To anyone other than themselves.

Falling Down

My world is falling down, falling down, falling down,
My world is falling down and I can't stop it
How did it come to this, come to this, come to this,
How did it come to this, I need help
I feel like no one's noticing, noticing, noticing,
I feel like no one's noticing and I'm all alone

I'm So Sorry

Seeing that gold chain,
Dangling from your soft hand,
It made me want to cry

I feel terrible for what I did,
Looking back,
I have no idea why I even did it.

I feel jealous that I gave up so easily,
All the wonderful things you offered,
And I turned my head away

I wish I could explain why I did it,
I wish I could tell you it was the depression,
That disease lying in wait that I didn't even know I had

I wish I could tell you how sorry I am,
But telling you now,
Would only hurt you more.

I wish you could read this,
But I can't risk actually giving it to you,
And hearing the pain in your voice.

So go, rare treasure,
Be happy with someone who is able to appreciate you,
Something I couldn't do till now.

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

Do I sa=tay or do I go?
Untold oppurtunities and experiences,
Will come to me if I go
But with that comes the fear of the unknown.
What will I find there?
Will I like it?
Will it work better with me than this does?
Will I actually be able to be happy there?

So many questions that I can't answer,
Without that leap of faith
If I take that leap of faith,
Over that dark ledge,
I can either land on soft grass,
Or fall and not be able to get back up

Without that leap of faith,
I will never know

So the question really becomes,
Do I stay or do I go?

Just Friends

I like this
We are talking,
We are joking around,
We are telling secrets,
I like being friends with you again.

I thought I had lost you,
But now I realize it was just my stupidity,
That prevented us from being friends,
That awkwardness I always had,
When I talked to you,
It's gone now

Maybe we were just meant to be friends,
Maybe the relationship was a mistake,
And everything is how it should be again

Haunting

And there the dream sits,
Taunting,
So possible,
So perfect
So completely unreachable.
I wish I was still sleeping
I wish I could sleep all the time,
When I sleep everything is perfect,
When I sleep, everything is right in the world.

And so here the dream sits,
Haunting my every thought,
Laughing at my misfortune,
And inability to achieve it.

Let Go

Learn to let go,
Learn to live,
Learn to love,
Learn to laugh

Learn to let go of those problems,
Learn to live your life,
Learn to love those who love you,
Learn to laugh just to feel good,

Let go and live life loving and laughing.

White Rose

Pure white,
Unmarked,
Untainted,
Thorns sharp enough to draw blood,
Petals soft enough to sleep on,
Fogiveness in a time of war,
Marked by a white rose

Wholesome beauty,
Supple goodness,
Peace and harmony in a time of battle

Thank You

Reading your words,
It makes me cry,
Knowing that someone cares,
Knowing someone is watching,
Knowing someone is scared,
Almost as scared as me
This path is dangerous,
My life is hanging on,
But the thread holding me,
It just turned to rope

Thank you.

Blade to Skin

Like a burning ember dragged across my chest,
Blade to skin,
Like a boat on a lake,
Slicing through,
Gentle,
Calm,
Easy,
Smooth,
As a catapillar gliding across a leaf,
Munching away as he squirms,
Tiny legs cutting up the surface,
Of the object that supports him.

X Marks the Spot

Thin white lines,
Crossing, crossing,
All over my skin,
White on tan,
Crossing, crossing,
Thin white lines

X marks the spot,
The spot of my insanity,
X marks the spot of my desires and losses,
My insanity is bred,
From that little white X
Marking the spot of insanity.

Repeating, repeating,
Never ending,
Fly, fly, fly,
They yell
Into the thick air,
Fly away and show why those scars are there

Smiling

I don't smile when I am alone
I don't laugh
I cry
I don't sing
I sigh
I don't smile when I am alone
Because the few times I do smile,
It is fake
I'm sick of it being fake
I want to be happy again.
I want to go back there,
To that place that makes me so happy.
I want to smile again.

I Missed You

See you again,
It makes me wonder,
What are you like as a person?
Have you felt pain,
Like I have?
I hope you haven't
I hope you are a good person
I want to know you again
I want to meet you again
I want to love you again
I want to run into you,
And restart our friendship all over again.
I missed you.

Delete

"I still love you. I hate that. I want to stop. Why can't you let me rest and be at peace? Why cant you let me love someone else? Why do you start these meaningless conversations that make it seem like you just want to talk because you miss me. I know you dont. Miss me I mean. And I know he wouldn't miss me either. But he is worth a try. You had your shot and you missed. Then I start wondering if you meant to miss. Did I really mean that little to you?"

And then I pressed delete.

This is All

This is all,
This is it,
This is all you will find on me
This is the only proof you have,
That I'm a person too

We haven't met in years,
We used to be best friends,
I loved you first,
Out of anyone else.
I missed you so much

You are very different now,
You look so old,
You look like the man,
I always knew you would be and,
You still look like the boy I loved

This is all you will find,
Of my heart
This is all you will find,
Of me
This is all

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Something wicked this way comes,
The wind is blowing stronger,
Leaves are falling, falling down,
All around our quiet lives,
The ground is shaking, shaking our feet
Our bones are breaking, breaking in the heat,
The heat of the race,
The race to survive
Who knows who will win,
In this death match to the finish line.

Labels and Descriptions

Everyone is labeled by one thing:
Confusion
Bleak, dark, frightening
Love
Bright, overwhelming
Fear
Hidden, omnipotent
Guilt
Open, obvious, terrorizing
Lust
Red, encasing
Depression
Confusing, loving, frightening, guilt ridden, lustful

Why can't we all just be happy?

I'm Not Listening...

I can't give it up,
It's like an addiction,
You can't make me stop
I won't forget what I love,
I would rather die from no sleep,
Than give up the only sacred thing left
You would never understand what this gives me,
Pleasure,
Happiness,
Contentment,
Satisfaction
That only begins to describe what this is to me
I can't go a day
Without picking up a pen
Or typing away
I need this
I'm not listening to you

Treading Water

You ask me how I keep on livin'
But all I'm doing is keep on swimmin'
I don't know how to live life livin'
I just know how to keep on swimmin'

Treading water is all I do anymore
I don't have the strength to swim to shore
I try so hard to keep my head up,
That all my energy is gone

I don't know how to live life livin'
I just know how to keep on swimmin'
The water is getting shallower here
And maybe I'll drift to shore

Big Empty World

It's a need this generation is born with,
The need to document every moment of our lives
We want to be heard,
And noticed,

We want to be known,
We want to be seen,
We crave the attention,
That our mind deludes us into thinking we don't possess

But we are not alone
There are so many others,
Who want to listen and be listened to
We are not alone in this big, empty world.

Even Lines

It felt good.
It felt safe.
It felt addicting.
I felt powerful
And strangely in control
Like a surgeon,
In charge of directing the knife
It was a game;
Which line can be straightest?
It was a morbid, sick game
And I think I want to play one more round.

I Wasn't Dreaming

I dreamt of cutting
I dreamt of the sting
Of the adrenaline rushing trhough my veins
Of the red welling up,
So small,
So slight,
So thin,
So exact
I woke up and felt good for once
I woke up with the knife next to me
I woke up with the cuts.
I wasn't dreaming, was I?

Labels

Strip off those labels,
Tear them down,
Don't let people drag you around

Be your own person,
Don't you dare listen,
Close your ears and open your heart

You have more to offer
Than these stupid labels,
No one should be able to judge you

You know who you are,
Let it be that simple
Tear off those labels

I Miss.....

I'm lost without you,
I can't believe how long it's been,
Since I've felt you lips on mine,
Since I've held your hand
Since you've loved me back.
I miss those walks on the beach,
Those perfect moments,
Where everything felt warm,
When you listened to every word I said,
And clung to every sentence
When you were always there,
Ready with a tissue and a shoulder
Then came that night

I felt high with anger
Though I didn't know it was anger then
I didn't think I would care
But you hurt me
You tore me apart,
Like an ancient torture device,
You ripped off my limbs
And left them for me to blindly find

You gave me no direction,
Or closure
Or answers
You left me without a guide
I was alone
You killed me
You abandoned me

Now that I've written this last bit,
I'm starting to forget who exactly I'm writing about.

Wonder

I wonder,
If I went under,
Down to the bottom,
Of the deep, deep sea
And never came up,
Would people think it was a blunder?

I wonder,
If I bled,
Would people think it was an accident?

I wonder,
If my breath stank of liqour,
Would my mom think it was because of my sister?

Or would she realize,
Just how depressed I actually am?

What Did You Do to Me?

One look at that picture
And I knew
It was you in my memories
Haunting,
Loving,
Kind,
Frightening
You played every nameless person
In my dreams
I can't believe it was you
I haven't seen you in eleven years
And yet here you are,
Stalking my dreams
And not realizing it
What did you do to me,
That made me remember you like this?
I'm terrified of your face
More than I have been of anything
What did you do to me?

Hello You

Hello you,
Do you know me?
I hope you do
Actually,
I hope you don't
I don't like people
Looking at me different
Because they know all this shit
If they know about this stuff
Then they act all macho
Like they know me
But they don't
No one knows me
I don't even know me
So go away,
Don't act like you see my soul
Cause you sure as hel don't
Love, ME

In My Head

Darting silver,
Tarnished red,
Bright pink,
Enclosing green

Can't make sense of all the things
That happen in my dreams.

Don't even try,
It won't make sense
Even though it tries to whisper,
The whisper is too quiet,
Like a mouse on a hard wood floor
Speaking Portugeuse.

Don't try to understand what happens here,
In my crazy head

You won't get it so don't even attempt,
To be on the same psychic level as me

It won't work stop now.
Please don't go any further
If you try to get into these walls to tear them down,
I'll just have to kill you later

Daydream

I once daydreamt
That oceans covered the earth
And the water churned with fire and ice
Cooling and heating it
As the earth willed
There was only a tiny bit of solid ground
I was free
I could swim
And fly
I didn't need to eat
I had him
I was happy
The problems were gone.
Then my eyes focused
And I came back to reality